Ringing in 2019 with a Bang!
On New Year's Day I had arranged to meet with my two sisters. I had texted them both on New Year's Eve asking if they could meet with me the following day. They were both concerned by my text and wanted to know what was wrong. I assured them both that everyone was safe and healthy but that what I needed to talk to them about needed to be done in person.
All day on the first I was a ball of nerves. Not only was I reeling from the shock of my life but I was trying to mentally prepare to tell my sisters. I didn't know how they both fit in to this. I assumed my middle sister, Tonya, was donor conceived like me. The dates, places, life events were the same as mine. My baby sister Lucy, came much later in life in a different state, different doctors, and she was a complete and total oops baby. Tonya and I, I knew, had been meticulously planned. I also felt so guilty about telling them my news. If I hadn't of taken that stupid DNA test then all of us would be going on with life blissfully ignorant. Guilt has been one of the biggest feelings I have been dealing with through this whole journey.
The late afternoon on New Year's Day we met at my sister, Lucy's house. We had gone up to Lucy's room and all sat on her bed. They stared at me waiting. I became emotional knowing I would be changing both their lives forever. I jumped right in, "You know that DNA test I took? Well I had a woman contact me last night and she says I am her half sister." I had Lucy read the email out loud. The look of shock on their faces was devastating. Us girls talked for 3 hours. Every scenario ran through our heads. Did both Mom and Dad know, did Dad not know? Why haven't they told us? Is Tonya donor conceived? Lucy for sure is the biological child of both our parents. Wait that means Lucy is only my half sister. If Tonya is donor conceived do we share the same donor, are we half or full blood sisters? We analyzed how much I looked like my half siblings on Ancestry.com. Just saying the words half siblings sounded so foreign and wrong. We cried, and we even laughed. We were angry, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, anxious... our feelings ran the gamut. The biggest question though was why hadn't our parents told me when they knew I was doing a DNA test? Why hadn't they told me themselves instead of letting a stranger tell me in an email?
My sisters and I left that night with a plan to confront our parents two days later. We needed answers. We deserved answers. I at least knew for sure I was donor conceived but Tonya was left wondering.
The days in between our planned meeting were rough. Playing out all the different scenarios of what is going to happen when you bring this up after 40 years of keeping it a secret it terrifying. By the day of our planned meeting with our parents it turned out to just be Tonya on video chat and me. Lucy was unable to attend and I think she was relieved. Right now this was mine and Tonya's story to get answers to.
I asked my parents if we could speak to them. As usual this makes any parent nervous. We all sat down. I said a prayer out loud asking for the right words, the patience, honesty, love, and comfort. After the prayer I just jumped in. I told them that I found out I was donor conceived. The look of shock and hurt on my mother's face was evident. She looked so confused and started denying everything. Within seconds my dad interjected and said yes, Tonya and I were donor conceived.
My dad is a very quiet, passive man. He is very loving and kind, a great way to describe him is gentle. He'd help anyone and do anything for his family. He's always been a hard worker and at times to make ends meet when I was a child he would work 3 jobs. My mom is a strong, assertive woman. My mom wears the pants in the family. For 43 years of marriage my mom has made the decisions. She's always been loving, a good mom. We grew up knowing that she always wanted children but that children did not come easy to her. She grew up with an abusive father. He physically and verbally abused his daughters. That sometimes came out of our mother as we were growing up, her tongue could be sharp. However we had a very happy, sheltered childhood. We were spoiled when my parents were financially successful and we were spoiled when my parents didn't have any money. My husband who had a rough childhood, who came from a broken home with parents that fought for years over money and custody, has always joked with me how spoiled and sheltered my childhood was. Some would say my sisters and I had a perfect childhood.
My dad began explaining that due to him having testicular cancer at 18 he had become sterile. Mom wanted children at all costs and so they chose to do artificial insemination. This is where my mom remembers differently. She was under the impression, led to believe or chose to believe, that my dad's sperm was mixed with the donor sperm. She chose to believe for years that my dad had fathered us. My dad calmly reminded her that he was sterile, there was no way for him to father a child back then.
Confused artificial insemination is what it was called. It was an actual term used by doctors in the 60's, 70's & 80's. They wanted the soon to be parents to think that the father was the biological father and not the sperm donor. They would tell women to have sex with their husband before the procedure and after the procedure because then there was a possibility that the child would both be biologically theirs. They would would tell the couple that they mixed the husbands sperm with the donor sperm so they had a 50/50 chance of both of them having a biological child. They would tell their patients this knowing full well the husband was sterile. This story worked for my mom, but not my dad.
My mom didn't say much during our talk. She looked to be in shock. The few things she did say she'd stop in the middle of the sentence and refuse to finish. Even though she had had 40 years to process this it was like she was learning it all for the first time. That was unfair to Tonya and I, this was our time not hers. My dad told us that he didn't know if the same donor was used, they hadn't picked out the donor, and didn't know anything about him. He said they had asked for the same donor when they were ready to have Tonya but no guarantees were made. If Tonya wanted to know her genetic make up she would have to do her own DNA test. Dad told us that whatever was broke in him in the 80's fixed itself in the 90's when Lucy was conceived. We asked why they never told us and dad said he'd thought about it but never knew when a good time was. He apologized for not telling us when he knew I had done the DNA test. We left the family meeting with more answers than we had before but still with a lot of questions and hurt. Where does one go from here? This information just becomes the white elephant in the family room. A sense of awkwardness that everyone feels when they're together but won't acknowledge.
That same evening I told my children. They are all old enough, one is an adult, to know something was wrong. They would have picked up on comments being made and probably come to the conclusion on their own anyway. Plus I am a very open mom. Honesty is always the best policy and secrets are bad. I sat them down in my son's room and just came out and said it. Grandpa is not their biological grandpa. They all cried. Some dealt with it better than others. We discussed traits that they thought they had inherited from their Grandpa. They obviously hadn't and I couldn't tell them if they inherited it from their biological grandpa or not. I answered their questions as best I could. I cried. I told them that I was dealing with a lot and I may not be 100% myself till this is all sorted out and I had no idea how long that would be. I told them they could come talk to me or ask questions about it anytime, I'd be an open book.
In the days following the discussion with our parents they have not brought it up once or acknowledged it. They have not asked how we're doing. It is as if nothing ever happened. They've never said one word about it to Lucy. That is hard and it hurts. I'm so grateful my sisters and I have each other. We've supported each other. My husband has been a rock. He's been patient, kind, a chest to cry on, and an ear when I need to talk. My children know when to give me a hug, a smile, or make me laugh. Unfortunately this is new territory for a whole generation. There are little to no books to read on how to deal with this family crisis. The right steps to take. To validate that our feelings are normal. We are going through this blind.
Commercial DNA only started in 2012, there are a whole lot of people that have been shocked in those 6-years and will continue to be shocked. When you sign up to submit your DNA to these companies they ask you if your are sure, that any information they discover could be unexpected and irrevocable.
All day on the first I was a ball of nerves. Not only was I reeling from the shock of my life but I was trying to mentally prepare to tell my sisters. I didn't know how they both fit in to this. I assumed my middle sister, Tonya, was donor conceived like me. The dates, places, life events were the same as mine. My baby sister Lucy, came much later in life in a different state, different doctors, and she was a complete and total oops baby. Tonya and I, I knew, had been meticulously planned. I also felt so guilty about telling them my news. If I hadn't of taken that stupid DNA test then all of us would be going on with life blissfully ignorant. Guilt has been one of the biggest feelings I have been dealing with through this whole journey.
The late afternoon on New Year's Day we met at my sister, Lucy's house. We had gone up to Lucy's room and all sat on her bed. They stared at me waiting. I became emotional knowing I would be changing both their lives forever. I jumped right in, "You know that DNA test I took? Well I had a woman contact me last night and she says I am her half sister." I had Lucy read the email out loud. The look of shock on their faces was devastating. Us girls talked for 3 hours. Every scenario ran through our heads. Did both Mom and Dad know, did Dad not know? Why haven't they told us? Is Tonya donor conceived? Lucy for sure is the biological child of both our parents. Wait that means Lucy is only my half sister. If Tonya is donor conceived do we share the same donor, are we half or full blood sisters? We analyzed how much I looked like my half siblings on Ancestry.com. Just saying the words half siblings sounded so foreign and wrong. We cried, and we even laughed. We were angry, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, anxious... our feelings ran the gamut. The biggest question though was why hadn't our parents told me when they knew I was doing a DNA test? Why hadn't they told me themselves instead of letting a stranger tell me in an email?
My sisters and I left that night with a plan to confront our parents two days later. We needed answers. We deserved answers. I at least knew for sure I was donor conceived but Tonya was left wondering.
The days in between our planned meeting were rough. Playing out all the different scenarios of what is going to happen when you bring this up after 40 years of keeping it a secret it terrifying. By the day of our planned meeting with our parents it turned out to just be Tonya on video chat and me. Lucy was unable to attend and I think she was relieved. Right now this was mine and Tonya's story to get answers to.
I asked my parents if we could speak to them. As usual this makes any parent nervous. We all sat down. I said a prayer out loud asking for the right words, the patience, honesty, love, and comfort. After the prayer I just jumped in. I told them that I found out I was donor conceived. The look of shock and hurt on my mother's face was evident. She looked so confused and started denying everything. Within seconds my dad interjected and said yes, Tonya and I were donor conceived.
My dad is a very quiet, passive man. He is very loving and kind, a great way to describe him is gentle. He'd help anyone and do anything for his family. He's always been a hard worker and at times to make ends meet when I was a child he would work 3 jobs. My mom is a strong, assertive woman. My mom wears the pants in the family. For 43 years of marriage my mom has made the decisions. She's always been loving, a good mom. We grew up knowing that she always wanted children but that children did not come easy to her. She grew up with an abusive father. He physically and verbally abused his daughters. That sometimes came out of our mother as we were growing up, her tongue could be sharp. However we had a very happy, sheltered childhood. We were spoiled when my parents were financially successful and we were spoiled when my parents didn't have any money. My husband who had a rough childhood, who came from a broken home with parents that fought for years over money and custody, has always joked with me how spoiled and sheltered my childhood was. Some would say my sisters and I had a perfect childhood.
My dad began explaining that due to him having testicular cancer at 18 he had become sterile. Mom wanted children at all costs and so they chose to do artificial insemination. This is where my mom remembers differently. She was under the impression, led to believe or chose to believe, that my dad's sperm was mixed with the donor sperm. She chose to believe for years that my dad had fathered us. My dad calmly reminded her that he was sterile, there was no way for him to father a child back then.
Confused artificial insemination is what it was called. It was an actual term used by doctors in the 60's, 70's & 80's. They wanted the soon to be parents to think that the father was the biological father and not the sperm donor. They would tell women to have sex with their husband before the procedure and after the procedure because then there was a possibility that the child would both be biologically theirs. They would would tell the couple that they mixed the husbands sperm with the donor sperm so they had a 50/50 chance of both of them having a biological child. They would tell their patients this knowing full well the husband was sterile. This story worked for my mom, but not my dad.
My mom didn't say much during our talk. She looked to be in shock. The few things she did say she'd stop in the middle of the sentence and refuse to finish. Even though she had had 40 years to process this it was like she was learning it all for the first time. That was unfair to Tonya and I, this was our time not hers. My dad told us that he didn't know if the same donor was used, they hadn't picked out the donor, and didn't know anything about him. He said they had asked for the same donor when they were ready to have Tonya but no guarantees were made. If Tonya wanted to know her genetic make up she would have to do her own DNA test. Dad told us that whatever was broke in him in the 80's fixed itself in the 90's when Lucy was conceived. We asked why they never told us and dad said he'd thought about it but never knew when a good time was. He apologized for not telling us when he knew I had done the DNA test. We left the family meeting with more answers than we had before but still with a lot of questions and hurt. Where does one go from here? This information just becomes the white elephant in the family room. A sense of awkwardness that everyone feels when they're together but won't acknowledge.
That same evening I told my children. They are all old enough, one is an adult, to know something was wrong. They would have picked up on comments being made and probably come to the conclusion on their own anyway. Plus I am a very open mom. Honesty is always the best policy and secrets are bad. I sat them down in my son's room and just came out and said it. Grandpa is not their biological grandpa. They all cried. Some dealt with it better than others. We discussed traits that they thought they had inherited from their Grandpa. They obviously hadn't and I couldn't tell them if they inherited it from their biological grandpa or not. I answered their questions as best I could. I cried. I told them that I was dealing with a lot and I may not be 100% myself till this is all sorted out and I had no idea how long that would be. I told them they could come talk to me or ask questions about it anytime, I'd be an open book.
In the days following the discussion with our parents they have not brought it up once or acknowledged it. They have not asked how we're doing. It is as if nothing ever happened. They've never said one word about it to Lucy. That is hard and it hurts. I'm so grateful my sisters and I have each other. We've supported each other. My husband has been a rock. He's been patient, kind, a chest to cry on, and an ear when I need to talk. My children know when to give me a hug, a smile, or make me laugh. Unfortunately this is new territory for a whole generation. There are little to no books to read on how to deal with this family crisis. The right steps to take. To validate that our feelings are normal. We are going through this blind.
Commercial DNA only started in 2012, there are a whole lot of people that have been shocked in those 6-years and will continue to be shocked. When you sign up to submit your DNA to these companies they ask you if your are sure, that any information they discover could be unexpected and irrevocable.
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