I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret
I have read many interviews from donor conceived people, especially those like me who were not told as children but found out as adults, mostly by mistake. So many describe having felt something while they were growing up. A sense of not belonging, of not fitting in, but they could never quite figure out why they felt that way. I never felt like I didn't belong with my parents but I do remember asking questions to my mom about her fertility and my dad's fertility. I knew my dad survived testicular cancer and I knew my mom had her own fertility issues. I had asked or mentioned several times over the years from a teen clear in to my adult years how Dad was so lucky to still be able to father children. I remember one time in particular joking and asking if I was their biological daughter. I've also always wondered, especially as I got older, why I looked nothing like my father and his family. His family has very distinct physical characteristics. All of his siblings have the McCown family look and all of my cousins have the McCown family look, and all of their children have the McCown family look. My baby sister, Lucy, is a spitting image of Grandma McCown. Tonya and I look nothing like a McCown. I really thought about it in the summer of 2016 when I took my children to Colorado for a McCown family reunion. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that I didn't look like any of these people, my children didn't look like any of these people, yet the rest of them all looked alike. However because I was so certain of who my parents were those thoughts never materialized to anything more than just that, a thought.
One of the biggest things for me to deal with mentally is the lying and the secrets. Essentially my entire life has been one big secret. Everything I was told about who I was is a lie. I hate using the word lie because it sounds mean and malicious. The lie my parents told me all these years was not meant to be mean or malicious. The secret was not meant to make anyone feel dirty. It was done out of love. My parents thought that by lying all these years about who my biological dad was that they were protecting me. The medical world felt that way, most still do. So yes they lied to me but it was done out of love and good intentions. I understand that. However it doesn't hurt any less. You could ask my children and my husband, being lied to is something I don't deal well with. Secrets, manipulation, and lies are a big no no. Tell me the truth, I'd much rather hear the truth, deal with it head on than find out later you lied and were keeping secrets. Here I am 38 years later learning that who I am, where I came from, how I came to be was a big lie and a secret. Secrets make people feel dirty, like they've done something wrong. I have done nothing wrong, my parents did nothing wrong by wanting a child and seeking out help to have a child. Ask any donor conceived person and they will tell you that the best thing to do is to tell the donor conceived child right from the beginning. Do not make it a secret, do not lie to the child.
When Tonya and I originally met with our parents we told them that we would keep their secret. In those first few days of discovering we were donor conceived we were in a fog, we were worried about our parents. As the days went on and more half siblings contacted me and friend requested me on Facebook I became paranoid that somehow people would figure out my dad was not my biological father. I shouldn't be afraid of people finding out who I am. Tonya and I realized that keeping that part of who we were a secret made us feel bad, like where we came from was wrong and dirty. We don't want to make it 'Facebook official'. We don't want to make a public announcement, "Hey world, our mom was artificially inseminated, our Dad was sterile, we don't know who the donor is." We don't want to hurt our parents, we respect them. What we did decide is that if we feel comfortable confiding in a close friend or family member we will. If we can offer help or advice to someone going through what we are going through we will. If we can offer advice to a person or couple considering using a donor we will. Being donor conceived is who I am whether I like it or not. Being donor conceived is my story to tell. My parents made a choice all those years ago that I had no say in but I get to live with the consequences of their choice, good or bad, I get to decide who I tell.
It has been 24 days since I found out I was donor conceived. The coping process my body and brain has gone through and continues to go through is exhausting. How does one cope with learning they are not who they always thought they were? Yes, I am still me. My daily routine doesn't change but there is one half of my family tree that is completely blank. I don't know what traits I inherited from my bio dad. When I look in the mirror now I wonder what features came from my bio dad, what parts of my personality came from my bio dad. I look at my children and wonder what parts of them came from their bio grandfather. What about a medical history? How do I answer those at a doctor's office? I also find I have a hard time being alone with both my parents. They act as nothing changed and for them I guess a whole lot didn't change. For me my life was turned upside down. It is hard to sit there and pretend, to continue to live that lie. I've tried bringing up being donor conceived with my mom again and she closed up and walked away. The big secret for her needs to stay a big secret. I'm not okay with that and that is not part of my healing process. I'm confused on how to heal and how to deal with all of this. Unfortunately there is not a lot of literature and studies available for donor conceived children. Ironically a book was released on January 15 called Inheritance A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love by Dani Shapiro. It is about a woman who found out in her 50's that her father was not her biological father. It follows her journey looking for her donor and sorting through her emotions. I'm halfway through the book. Finding similarities and realizing my feelings and thoughts aren't crazy is very comforting.
Then there is sweet Lucy. She just found out she has no full blood siblings, Tonya and I are going to be discovering all sorts of new siblings. She too has been lied to and is part of a secret. However she knows who her dad is, she is the product of both our parents. Sadly, this makes her feel like her struggle is not as great as mine and Tonya's. That her feelings should come second to us. I feel like she has a bit of survivor's remorse. She is being so supportive to us, while feeling guilty, angry, and sad. Her feelings matter no less than ours. At the time I am writing this our parents have not said anything to Lucy. Our parents are burying their heads in the sand and pretending nothing has changed is hurting their children but what do we do? We are emotionally fragile, we need our parents. I'm afraid that if our parents approach doesn't change it will change our family dynamic.
One of the biggest things for me to deal with mentally is the lying and the secrets. Essentially my entire life has been one big secret. Everything I was told about who I was is a lie. I hate using the word lie because it sounds mean and malicious. The lie my parents told me all these years was not meant to be mean or malicious. The secret was not meant to make anyone feel dirty. It was done out of love. My parents thought that by lying all these years about who my biological dad was that they were protecting me. The medical world felt that way, most still do. So yes they lied to me but it was done out of love and good intentions. I understand that. However it doesn't hurt any less. You could ask my children and my husband, being lied to is something I don't deal well with. Secrets, manipulation, and lies are a big no no. Tell me the truth, I'd much rather hear the truth, deal with it head on than find out later you lied and were keeping secrets. Here I am 38 years later learning that who I am, where I came from, how I came to be was a big lie and a secret. Secrets make people feel dirty, like they've done something wrong. I have done nothing wrong, my parents did nothing wrong by wanting a child and seeking out help to have a child. Ask any donor conceived person and they will tell you that the best thing to do is to tell the donor conceived child right from the beginning. Do not make it a secret, do not lie to the child.
When Tonya and I originally met with our parents we told them that we would keep their secret. In those first few days of discovering we were donor conceived we were in a fog, we were worried about our parents. As the days went on and more half siblings contacted me and friend requested me on Facebook I became paranoid that somehow people would figure out my dad was not my biological father. I shouldn't be afraid of people finding out who I am. Tonya and I realized that keeping that part of who we were a secret made us feel bad, like where we came from was wrong and dirty. We don't want to make it 'Facebook official'. We don't want to make a public announcement, "Hey world, our mom was artificially inseminated, our Dad was sterile, we don't know who the donor is." We don't want to hurt our parents, we respect them. What we did decide is that if we feel comfortable confiding in a close friend or family member we will. If we can offer help or advice to someone going through what we are going through we will. If we can offer advice to a person or couple considering using a donor we will. Being donor conceived is who I am whether I like it or not. Being donor conceived is my story to tell. My parents made a choice all those years ago that I had no say in but I get to live with the consequences of their choice, good or bad, I get to decide who I tell.
It has been 24 days since I found out I was donor conceived. The coping process my body and brain has gone through and continues to go through is exhausting. How does one cope with learning they are not who they always thought they were? Yes, I am still me. My daily routine doesn't change but there is one half of my family tree that is completely blank. I don't know what traits I inherited from my bio dad. When I look in the mirror now I wonder what features came from my bio dad, what parts of my personality came from my bio dad. I look at my children and wonder what parts of them came from their bio grandfather. What about a medical history? How do I answer those at a doctor's office? I also find I have a hard time being alone with both my parents. They act as nothing changed and for them I guess a whole lot didn't change. For me my life was turned upside down. It is hard to sit there and pretend, to continue to live that lie. I've tried bringing up being donor conceived with my mom again and she closed up and walked away. The big secret for her needs to stay a big secret. I'm not okay with that and that is not part of my healing process. I'm confused on how to heal and how to deal with all of this. Unfortunately there is not a lot of literature and studies available for donor conceived children. Ironically a book was released on January 15 called Inheritance A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love by Dani Shapiro. It is about a woman who found out in her 50's that her father was not her biological father. It follows her journey looking for her donor and sorting through her emotions. I'm halfway through the book. Finding similarities and realizing my feelings and thoughts aren't crazy is very comforting.
Then there is sweet Lucy. She just found out she has no full blood siblings, Tonya and I are going to be discovering all sorts of new siblings. She too has been lied to and is part of a secret. However she knows who her dad is, she is the product of both our parents. Sadly, this makes her feel like her struggle is not as great as mine and Tonya's. That her feelings should come second to us. I feel like she has a bit of survivor's remorse. She is being so supportive to us, while feeling guilty, angry, and sad. Her feelings matter no less than ours. At the time I am writing this our parents have not said anything to Lucy. Our parents are burying their heads in the sand and pretending nothing has changed is hurting their children but what do we do? We are emotionally fragile, we need our parents. I'm afraid that if our parents approach doesn't change it will change our family dynamic.
Would it be possible for you to write out a letter to your parents and let them know how you're feeling? Do you think that would do anything?
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