DNA Matters
You receive your DNA results back from the commercial company you selected and it tells you your parent is not your biological parent. Now what? Due to a large number of kids in the 70's, 80's, & 90's being donor conceived by anonymous donation most with parents who kept it a secret, there are many Facebook groups that offer help in understanding your DNA results and learning how to use it to track down biological family. When I learned I was donor conceived a simple Google search of 'donor conceived' led me to several websites. On those websites there were recommendations for Facebook groups like 'DNA Detectives', 'DNA Detectives (for the donor conceived)', 'We are Donor Conceived'. These private groups require you to read their rules, answer a few questions, and then wait for approval to be accepted into the group. Once accepted you are part of an online community that is just like you, people looking for their biological families. These pages have volunteers that they call 'Search Angels'. Some are professional genealogists volunteering their time, others are people that in the past have successfully searched for and found their family and now are willing to help newcomers. No one is allowed to charge for their services. They help by actually doing the searching for you but in most cases they help give you the skills and knowledge to do it yourself.
I joined these pages, introduced myself, and asked for assistance. Several people greeted me and then started teaching me how to use my DNA to track down my donor and other half siblings. First you have to download your RAW DNA from the testing company's site. Then you upload it to several 3rd party sites that are essentially set up just to help you find bio family. You are able to look at DNA family matches on these sites and your DNA matches can look at your DNA results. Your goal on these sites is to find as close of a relative as possible. A first or second cousin match on the donor's side is key. A match that close makes the detective work a lot easier. Thankfully I had a second cousin match on a website. I also had a hunch as to who the donor was. With this information you have to essentially become a stalker. You need to find identifying information on these people, people that are total strangers to you but that you are so closely genetically linked. I spent a couple weeks looking for info on my 2nd cousin. He turned out to be an older gentleman with a relatively small Internet footprint. If he hadn't have been successful in his career I probably never would have found him. I also had to try and get info on who I suspected the donor is. He is a man in his 80's who shows little to no interest in social media. His Internet footprint is small. Thankfully due to friend's help, paying for a background check, and patience I was able to find info on him. I built out both these men's trees. Ancestry.com makes this part relatively easy as long as the ancestors are deceased. If they're living you have to go back to Internet stalking techniques. After weeks of frustration, nearly to tears, and monotonous hours of digging through my 2nd cousin's great uncle's/aunt's grandchildren I found a common relative to my 2nd cousin and my suspected sperm donor confirming my hunch was correct. The moment I saw the trees join my heart dropped. I was scared but relieved. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There were days I thought I would never be able to solve this. I accomplished in 3-weeks what some professionals charge $2500 to do.
Why this innate desire to find the donor, my biological father? Because DNA matters to humans. Until you have been in a donor conceived or adoptees shoes you just simply can't understand. Some of the worst things a donor conceived person can hear are, "Your dad is still your dad" "It's just a donor" "You should be grateful to be alive" "That means you were so wanted" "Would you rather have not been born" "Your parents love you so much". A recent 2017 study says, “We Are Donor Conceived Survey Results.” We Are Donor Conceived, 6 Aug. 2017, www.wearedonorconceived.com/guides/survey-results/
I joined these pages, introduced myself, and asked for assistance. Several people greeted me and then started teaching me how to use my DNA to track down my donor and other half siblings. First you have to download your RAW DNA from the testing company's site. Then you upload it to several 3rd party sites that are essentially set up just to help you find bio family. You are able to look at DNA family matches on these sites and your DNA matches can look at your DNA results. Your goal on these sites is to find as close of a relative as possible. A first or second cousin match on the donor's side is key. A match that close makes the detective work a lot easier. Thankfully I had a second cousin match on a website. I also had a hunch as to who the donor was. With this information you have to essentially become a stalker. You need to find identifying information on these people, people that are total strangers to you but that you are so closely genetically linked. I spent a couple weeks looking for info on my 2nd cousin. He turned out to be an older gentleman with a relatively small Internet footprint. If he hadn't have been successful in his career I probably never would have found him. I also had to try and get info on who I suspected the donor is. He is a man in his 80's who shows little to no interest in social media. His Internet footprint is small. Thankfully due to friend's help, paying for a background check, and patience I was able to find info on him. I built out both these men's trees. Ancestry.com makes this part relatively easy as long as the ancestors are deceased. If they're living you have to go back to Internet stalking techniques. After weeks of frustration, nearly to tears, and monotonous hours of digging through my 2nd cousin's great uncle's/aunt's grandchildren I found a common relative to my 2nd cousin and my suspected sperm donor confirming my hunch was correct. The moment I saw the trees join my heart dropped. I was scared but relieved. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There were days I thought I would never be able to solve this. I accomplished in 3-weeks what some professionals charge $2500 to do.
Why this innate desire to find the donor, my biological father? Because DNA matters to humans. Until you have been in a donor conceived or adoptees shoes you just simply can't understand. Some of the worst things a donor conceived person can hear are, "Your dad is still your dad" "It's just a donor" "You should be grateful to be alive" "That means you were so wanted" "Would you rather have not been born" "Your parents love you so much". A recent 2017 study says, “We Are Donor Conceived Survey Results.” We Are Donor Conceived, 6 Aug. 2017, www.wearedonorconceived.com/guides/survey-results/
- 76% of donor conceived respondents had taken a DNA test. 94% of them did so to find family members, i.e. donor or donor siblings.
- 65% of respondents agree with the statement "My donor is half of who I am".
- 96% of respondents said they would like to know how many donor siblings they have and would like to a relationship with either the donor and or donor siblings.
- 95% of respondents believe it is wrong for parents of donor conceived children to keep their child's method of conception a secret from their child.
- 86% of donor conceived people do not support anonymous sperm donation.
- 91% of respondents believe sperm banks/clinics do not adequately understand or respect the emotional needs of donor conceived people.
A group has recently been formed to change the laws in the United States. A group called U.S. Donor Conceived Alliance is currently conducting a survey of donor conceived people in hopes of compiling some statistics on how donor conceived people feel to take to politicians. Unfortunately until recently very few studies have been done. https://www.facebook.com/USDCAlliance/. Smaller groups have formed in different states trying to change laws at the state level. The donor industry is largely unregulated in our country. In 2011 Washington became the first state to enact legislation making "open" sperm donation the default, thus requiring sperm donors to specifically request anonymity should they want it. Several countries including Sweden, UK, and Germany have enacted legislation to outlaw any donation in which the donor's name would never be released under any circumstances In the UK, a 2005 law gave all British donor conceived individuals the right to request and be granted nonidentifying information such as height, weight, eye color, etc. When a child reaches 18 identifying information such as full name, last known address can be requested and granted. Fetters, Ashley. “Finding the Lost Generation of Sperm Donors.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 21 May 2018, www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/05/sperm-donation-anonymous/560588/.
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